Tips on Parenting a Well-Attached Child or Teen

Throughout recent years, parenting advice has become ubiquitous throughout social media and online platforms, with many influencers weighing in on the right or wrong ways to parent. While some of the information comes from experts in child psychology, much of current parenting advice comes from social media influencers, many of whom receive compensation from affiliate links, and few of whom have a degree in child development.

The movement towards more gentle parenting techniques is overall a very positive thing. Terms such as 'gentle’ and ‘positive’ parenting abound, and are attractive to a newer generation of parents who want to deviate from what they see as more harsh and less equitable parenting styles of decades past.

Younger parents seek to connect with their children in a meaningful and more equitable way.

What we now call gentle parenting has a foundation in attachment theory, which was originally developed by Bowlby and Ainsworth in the 1930’s. The basis of the theory is that people are born with the need to forge attachments with their caregivers at birth, and these early bonds impact future attachments and relationships. Thus, parents should seek to foster a healthy attachment and bond with their infant, and later, child, seeking to attune to their needs and foster their development both on a physical as well as an emotional level. 

To parents interested in learning more about attachment theory, I usually suggest starting with the book Parenting From The Inside Out, by Dan Siegel. I also provide support to adult clients in both reflecting on their earlier experiences of attachment with caregivers, as well as (for parents) their own parenting styles.

Some of the major themes that I observe in working with parents today are:

1) Seeking more equality and less punishment in the child-parent equation

2) A desire to do things differently than the adult’s own parents, and reflection on their own attachment styles

3) Heightened anxiety about parenting in general, and fear that they will damage their child by failing to do something correctly

The latter concerns me the most, and is where I try to intervene, helping adults to be confident in their parenting choices and tweaking or adjusting their approach as needed.

In 1977, Penelope Leach, said:

“If you listen to your child and to your own feelings, there will be something you can actually do to put things right or make the best of those that are wrong.”

In essence, to be a good and effective parent: connect with your child, connect with yourself.

I’ve included some ideas for connection with children of different ages and stages.

Connecting in early childhood:

For parents of babies and toddlers (ages 1-5), physical engagement is key for connection. As you see them play, get on the ground with them. Make silly voices, use toys to mimic household or every-day devices. Try to follow your child’s lead. If they are playing with dirt, slime, or playdoh, join in and enjoy the tactile experience. Laugh with your child, be silly, and relax into it. And, tune into how this feels and anything coming up for you.

Connecting with an elementary-school aged child:

For children ages 6-12, engagement is just as important. If they are outside, go join their game or sit nearby and compliment their skills. If they are playing with slime or drawing, grab some colors and doodle yourself alongside them. Don’t lead, don’t dictate, just join. This is also a good age to find out what interests them in the digital world. Rather than being afraid of screen-use, or using it only as a ‘babysitting device,’ parents can benefit at this age by watching screens together, or playing the occasional video game with children. By becoming interested in what the child finds interesting, we are signaling that we are someone they can turn to later on. Children become more reliant on peers around this time, so there may be times when they prefer playing with friends to being with you, and this is okay.

Connecting with a Preteen or Teenager:

If you have not truly connected with your preteen or teen in some time, my advice is to start slow, and don’t despair if they initially reject your advances. Many parents of a preteen or teen spend significant time driving them to and from school and activities, but this should not be your only time together. To start: show interest in their interests, such as sports, clothing or makeup/skincare or favorite foods or drinks. Ask open-ended questions out of curiosity, compliment their ideas and style. If they use a word that’s new to you, ask them to explain it. Make your presence consistent and comfortable, and don’t despair if teens are at times quiet or closed-off. Your presence at this age is more important than you know. I am amazed at the number of adult clients who tell me that, despite giving their parents a hard time as an adolescent, they appreciate if the parent stuck it out and stayed by their side.

A little note on the big ‘S’ (screens)’:

Screens are now a major part of our children’s lives, whether we like it or not. Yes, screen time should be limited, however, I see many parents becoming worried about their children’s screen usage while not actually knowing what their children is watching. I tend to encourage ‘open’ screens over handheld screens. An open screen (such as tv) is actually preferable to a personal device, as we can see and hear what small children watch. For older children who prefer to use personal devices (largely phones), parents should set limits, have reasonable controls, know what apps your child uses, and be curious (ask your children what the app is for, ask them to show you how it works or fun features). It’s okay to monitor screen use when you are concerned, but no child should feel that you are spying on them or invading their privacy.

Like all things, true connection between child and parent takes time, but:

These connected moments are crucial, and they are truly healing for those more difficult, conflict-and stress ridden times that plague all households.

For every ‘stressful moment’ (or two or three) try to add a connection moment. One day, your child will lead the way to connection with you, and you will crave and look forward to this time. Now is the time for you to take the lead and join them in their experiences of childhood and adolescence.