The Freedom In Saying Yes

A seasoned therapist said to me recently “I don’t love giving direct advice, but if I could give anyone advice right now, it would be to stop saying ‘no’ so often, both directly and indirectly. To try out the word ‘yes!’

What she meant of course was not to say yes to every request, invitation, or demand, but simply to approach these questions with a ‘why not try it?’ mindset.

The concept of boundaries has expanded broadly, from outside of the therapist office to everyday colloquial speech. If you follow any mental health or wellness accounts on social media, you are presented with boundary-setting quotes or ideas often. And oftentimes, setting boundaries presents itself in a ‘just say no’ mentality. As a therapist myself, I confess to using this term often, usually as an antidote to being over-scheduled, over-worked, over-stretched, and essentially, over-it.

There is no problem with boundary-setting in and of itself. For example, saying “Maybe another time” to a friend who wants to meet up with us for dinner when we are just plain exhausted. Or saying “I’ve got a lot on my plate” to a boss who piles on too many projects to our already overloaded schedule. The problem is when no becomes our go-to.

Let’s say that you open your phone after a particularly exhausting day at work, which reveals a message inviting you to attend a volunteer event, drinks with friends you haven’t seen in a while, an open house for a new store opening in your neighborhood, or a new dance class series during the week. 

Your brain lights up for a second ‘interesting!’ But then you are overtaken by distractions. You start thinking of all of the things that have to be done at work and home. You start thinking of all of your commitments and just how tired you are. And this, the low-hanging fruit, the ‘thing that would be fun but I am not yet committed to’ is just easier to ignore than all of your many responsibilities. And suddenly you are back to the endless loop of tasks, tasks and more tasks.

The problem with continuing in this endless loop of the usual, the mundane, the expected, is that we aren’t engaging regularly in activities that light up the dopamine centers of our brain, the hormone that is responsible for feelings of elation, satisfaction, and motivation. For most people, the most common dopamine-seeking activity that we engage in is social media, but what we are missing is the face-to-face new and exciting activities that give us these feelings of joy, excitement, creativity and newness.

Saying yes to the new and exciting doesn’t always mean that we need to say no to our necessary tasks. It just means that we need to shift our perspective a little.

Ever find that you aren’t feeling motivated to do that workout that you promised yourself you would do? It’s not you…it’s the fact that the workout has become a task. Switch it up and go to for a simple walk. The slow pace and new scenery will be enough to put you in a good mood. 

Find yourself sending memes back and forth to close friends all throughout the day, but having a series of unanswered texts to friends you haven’t seen in a while? Push past your comfort zone and engage with the person you haven’t seen in a while. The interaction will feel fresh and new and energizing.

And then there’s work. Find yourself ignoring professional development opportunities because other things demand your attention and you just don’t have the time? Sign up for the opportunity when it catches your eye. Once you have committed to something, the other things will fall into place.

The key is to prioritize the exciting and spontaneous as much as you prioritize daily tasks (within reason of course). Because oftentimes when we feel tired, we are just burnt out from our routine and the tasks that have become mundane over time. Adding, rather than taking away from your plate will re-energize you and give you the motivation you have been missing.