How Can Talk Therapy Help?
When we are in a field, we tend to take certain fundamental things for granted. As a therapist, I hear about new therapeutic techniques often. There’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)… so many acronyms that it can be dizzying. However, at the base of all of these techniques is the assumption that talking about our problems will somehow help us to heal from them.
A friend, about to try therapy for the first time, recently asked me:
“So, how does this work? I just talk? And what does that do? I mean what else are we going to do in there?”
This, I realized, was a very good question. After all, when we talk about our problems with friends, family members or coworkers, it helps some of the time. But other times it doesn’t seem to do much at all, or we end up feeling even worse afterwards. So why would talking to a therapist be any different?
First
Therapists are trained to listen. How often do you feel really, truly listened to? Our interactions with others are a lot more complicated than they look on the surface. Most people begin formulating their advice for you very soon after you begin sharing your problem (and well before you are finished speaking). The reasons for this are many-fold. They are distracted, they need to get back to work, they have heard this from you before. Oftentimes, they have been through something similar and just know that you will benefit from their awesome advice. The problem? You won’t. By our very nature, we learn best when we come up with our own solutions, at our own pace, and therapists are trained to guide clients in identifying the source of their unique problems within the context of their unique lives, and developing strategies to overcome them.
Second:
Our problems don’t go away on their own. Whether it happened to you a year ago, or 20 years ago, negative experiences have a way of lodging in our brain, and getting very comfortable there. The more time that passes, the less aware we are of the problem. In some cases, we forget about them completely. However, they are still there, and may be affecting us in news ways. Are you suddenly anxious or sad about something that never bothered you before? That’s where a therapist comes in. A therapist will help you to gently, and at your own pace, identify the root sources of your current stress, sadness, or anxiety. Some people fear that by bringing these negative experiences to light, they will be overcome by sadness or anxiety all over again. While it is true that discussing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings can be difficult at first, it is often much less painful when we have someone there to help us through it, someone who offers a confidential and nonjudgemental space to do so. Once the source of your symptoms is identified, a therapist will help you come up with a plan to address the issues. Often, just bringing past issues to light can have incredible and long-term healing effects.
Third
Our family, friends, and loved ones can only offer us so much. Who is the first person you call when you have a big problem? Chances are, you have that person. Whether a mother, best friend, spouse, or close coworker, this person has the unique advantage of knowing you very well, and caring enough to listen. So what’s the problem? The issue is that they likely have problems of their own, and may have others to console and care for as well. It is not uncommon for my clients to tell me that they called their ‘person’ during the week when a problem arouse, and the person asked them at some point in the conversation “When do you see Emily again?” This is not because our loved ones don’t have the patience for our problems, and it’s not because they don’t care. It is because they are human, which is why talk therapy often helps not only the client, but their immediate relationships with family and as well. It adds another level of support that takes a bit of the weight off of our loved ones.
So what type of therapy style will work best for me? Many therapists rely on certain theoretical underpinnings when they do their work. For example, a therapist who uses a ‘person-centered’ approach believes that the client themselves holds the answer to their issues, and will work to help the client utilize their inner resources. A therapist who uses elements of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in their practice believes that our thoughts, feelings and actions are interconnected, and will work with you to look further into these processes, through talk therapy and possibly some activities and homework. Most therapists however use an eclectic approach..and while knowledgeable about different theories, they use what their clients need in the moment to solve their unique problems.
Research has actually found that seasoned therapists (those who have been in the field for a long time) have more in common with other seasoned therapists of other theoretical orientations, than they do with brand new therapists practicing from their own theoretical orientation. For example, a therapist who has been in the field for 10 years and practices CBT may have more in common with a therapist who has practiced for 10 years and utilizes a person-centered approach, than with a brand new clinician that also practices CBT. The lesson here is that good therapy relies more on the fundamental skills such as active listening and wisdom, than it does on a training in a new therapeutic technique.
With so many options for self-improvement out there, it can be hard to know where to turn. While self-help books, lifestyle changes, and body/mind work (yoga/meditation) are all helpful in their own ways, talk therapy has the unique advantage of offering direct, one-on-one help from a trained mental health professional who has the time, patience, and bandwidth to focus on you and only you, at your pace and for as long as you need them. Finding a therapist that works for you is important, and most offer an initial brief phone consultation where you can ask questions and get to know them a little bit better before taking the next step.